What do driving on ice and emotionally-charged conversations
have in common?
If you ever find yourself driving on ice and starting to skid,
there are two vital things to know:
1. DON'T put on the breaks.
2. Turn IN to the skid, into the direction you are already
skidding.
These both can seem counter-intuitive. I mean, come on! As
you start to skid and lose steering ability, your instincts
likely shout:
1. Make it stop! BRAKE, BRAAAKKE!
2. Steer hard the other way! Get the heck outta here!
So, too, in emotionally-charged conversations.
Ever notice when it starts to get heated, your instincts
are to put on the brake s and steer out of it, by either
getting defensive, protective, combative or shutting down?
There are generally two things that dig us deeper into
conflict and misunderstanding:
1. Not taking the time to fully understand what the other
person is experiencing and expressing.
2. Getting defensive right away.
When we take the time to see/hear/understand (DON'T put
on the brakes) AND validate the other person’s experience
(turn in to the skid), amazing things can happen.
Your course corrects. The conversation doesn't spin out
of control into oncoming lanes of traffic. The "emotional
charge" dissipates, and hearts become relaxed and open
because they've been heard and understood. And then, it’s
easier to work out what needs to be worked out.
So, next time there's a conversation with emotional "charge"
and you notice you are getting defensive, combative,
defensive or shut down:
1. Before you defend, attack or withdraw, stay present
and pause.
2. Repeat it back, as you heard it. “If I got that right...“
or “What I heard was _____ (repeat back what you heard).
Did I get that right?”
(So often, what you heard is different than what they
said or what they meant.)
3. You can even ask them for MORE: “Let me see if I got all
of that?” or “Is there any more you want to say about that?”
"What else?"
(This might seem counter-intuitive, to turn IN to the
heated/charged stuff and asking for more.)
(Note: hold any "red flags" that come up for you, and discuss
wtih them later)
4. Step into their shoes and validate their experience:
“You make sense because ...” “I can see how you could see
it that way or “I can see what you are saying ...” or
“I imagine that you could also be feeling ...”
(You can understand their experience without it being YOURS)
OPTIONAL: Now, there may be room to discuss the "real" issue,
create a new agreement, boundary, code word, shared language, etc.
have in common?
If you ever find yourself driving on ice and starting to skid,
there are two vital things to know:
1. DON'T put on the breaks.
2. Turn IN to the skid, into the direction you are already
skidding.
These both can seem counter-intuitive. I mean, come on! As
you start to skid and lose steering ability, your instincts
likely shout:
1. Make it stop! BRAKE, BRAAAKKE!
2. Steer hard the other way! Get the heck outta here!
So, too, in emotionally-charged conversations.
Ever notice when it starts to get heated, your instincts
are to put on the brake s and steer out of it, by either
getting defensive, protective, combative or shutting down?
There are generally two things that dig us deeper into
conflict and misunderstanding:
1. Not taking the time to fully understand what the other
person is experiencing and expressing.
2. Getting defensive right away.
When we take the time to see/hear/understand (DON'T put
on the brakes) AND validate the other person’s experience
(turn in to the skid), amazing things can happen.
Your course corrects. The conversation doesn't spin out
of control into oncoming lanes of traffic. The "emotional
charge" dissipates, and hearts become relaxed and open
because they've been heard and understood. And then, it’s
easier to work out what needs to be worked out.
So, next time there's a conversation with emotional "charge"
and you notice you are getting defensive, combative,
defensive or shut down:
1. Before you defend, attack or withdraw, stay present
and pause.
2. Repeat it back, as you heard it. “If I got that right...“
or “What I heard was _____ (repeat back what you heard).
Did I get that right?”
(So often, what you heard is different than what they
said or what they meant.)
3. You can even ask them for MORE: “Let me see if I got all
of that?” or “Is there any more you want to say about that?”
"What else?"
(This might seem counter-intuitive, to turn IN to the
heated/charged stuff and asking for more.)
(Note: hold any "red flags" that come up for you, and discuss
wtih them later)
4. Step into their shoes and validate their experience:
“You make sense because ...” “I can see how you could see
it that way or “I can see what you are saying ...” or
“I imagine that you could also be feeling ...”
(You can understand their experience without it being YOURS)
OPTIONAL: Now, there may be room to discuss the "real" issue,
create a new agreement, boundary, code word, shared language, etc.
~ LiYana
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