(i_i) == Emotionally Charged Conversations == (i_i)

What do driving on ice and emotionally-charged conversations
have in common?

If you ever find yourself driving on ice and starting to skid,
there are two vital things to know:

1. DON'T put on the breaks.
2. Turn IN to the skid, into the direction you are already
skidding.

These both can seem counter-intuitive. I mean, come on! As
you start to skid and lose steering ability, your instincts
likely shout:

1. Make it stop! BRAKE, BRAAAKKE!
2. Steer hard the other way! Get the heck outta here!

So, too, in emotionally-charged conversations.

Ever notice when it starts to get heated, your instincts
are to put on the brake s and steer out of it, by either
getting defensive, protective, combative or shutting down?

There are generally two things that dig us deeper into
conflict and misunderstanding:

1. Not taking the time to fully understand what the other
    person is experiencing and expressing.
2. Getting defensive right away.

When we take the time to see/hear/understand (DON'T put
on the brakes) AND validate the other person’s experience
(turn in to the skid), amazing things can happen.

Your course corrects. The conversation doesn't spin out
of control into oncoming lanes of traffic.  The "emotional
charge" dissipates, and hearts become relaxed and open
because they've been heard and understood. And then, it’s
easier to work out what needs to be worked out.

So, next time there's a conversation with emotional "charge"
and you notice you are getting defensive, combative,
defensive or shut down:

1. Before you defend, attack or withdraw, stay present
    and pause.

2. Repeat it back, as you heard it. “If I got that right...“
    or “What I heard was _____ (repeat back what you heard).
    Did I get that right?”

   (So often, what you heard is different than what they
   said or what they meant.)

3. You can even ask them for MORE: “Let me see if I got all
    of that?” or “Is there any more you want to say about that?”
    "What else?"

    (This might seem counter-intuitive, to turn IN to the
    heated/charged stuff and asking for more.)

   (Note: hold any "red flags" that come up for you, and discuss
 wtih them later)

4. Step into their shoes and validate their experience:
   “You make sense because ...”  “I can see how you could see
   it that way or “I can see what you are saying ...”  or
   “I imagine that you could also be feeling ...”

   (You can understand their experience without it being YOURS)

OPTIONAL: Now, there may be room to  discuss the "real" issue,
create a new agreement, boundary, code word, shared language, etc.

~ LiYana

He..... doesn't even know it....

"Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control me. He wants me to think he doesn't depend on me, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support." ~Scott Wetlzer

It is important to him that I don’t get my way. He will act as if giving me what I want is important to him but, rarely will he follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he wants to you to feel…


He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance…


He believes that deadlines are for everyone but him. He does things on his own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from him...

He never expresses anger… he’s actually happy with whatever I want... On the outside anyway! He may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence he goes through life stuffing his anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way…

Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He operates as a tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power…

“Actions speak louder than words"… Oh how ambiguous he can be. He rarely mean what he says or says what he means. The best judge of how he feels about an issue is how he acts... Normally he doesn't act until after he's caused some kind of stress by his ambiguous way of communicating...

He prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone...


By keeping me waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. He avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting…


He feels I treat him unfairly... If I get upset because he is constantly late, he takes offense because; in his mind, it was someone else's fault that he was late. He is always the innocent victim of my unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store…


He needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his hostility. He needs someone whose expectations and demands he can resist. He is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors…


He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells me something, I walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no…

The biggest frustration in being with him is that he never follows through on agreements and promises. He will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he is pulling his own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, he’ll make you believe that you are loved and adored when he is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone...

He ignores the problems in the relationship, sees things through his own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. He will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit his own agenda, minimize or lie so that his version of what is real seems more logical…


He will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. He doesn't communicate his needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting me to read his mind and meet his needs. After all, if I truly loved him I would just naturally know what he needed or wanted, right. He withholds information about how he feels, his ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let me know what he is thinking or feeling? God forbid he discloses that information and I criticize him…

He has a real desire to connect with me emotionally but his fear of such a connection causes him to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He will be covert in his actions and it will only move him further from his desired relationship with me...

He never looks internally and examines his role in a relationship problem. He has to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. He lives in denial of his self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices he makes that cause others so much pain…

He objectifies the object of his desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him. He cares for you the way he cares for a favorite truck. You are there for his comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill his needs…

He wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence and sense of self to his partner. He wants love and attention but avoids it out of fear of it destroying him. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best…

The only hope for change in the way he deals with relationship issues is if he is able to acknowledge his shortcomings and contributions to the problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in his life will help him form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety…

~unknown

Who is He?

He is… disproportionately PASSive aggressive and he doesn’t even know it..


He is… loved…deeply and he doesn’t even know it…


His soul is beautiful and he doesn’t even know it…


He hurts people given that he’s hurt people… and he doesn’t even know it….


His vulnerability is as equally exquisite as his strength… and he doesn’t even know it…



He…. He… I…. He…sincerely… he…..…. doesn’t…..even…know it….

===Today's Mental Clutter===

And now reporting live from Sheraya’s Brain… ::elevator music::

 

Hello Hello and Welcome back to another episode of ===)) Mental Clutter ((===

 

Keri Hilson’s “Breaking Point” – Love the Song!!… here’s my take on the subject --> There’s NO LIMIT to my Love… either I love you or I don’t BUT there is a Limit to what I will tolerate from you.  My love & level of tolerance are on separate playing fields… At this point in my life… One is not dependent upon the other.

 

I use to believe “I put up with ::insert abuse, neglect, disrespect here:: because I love you!” AND “I don’t love you anymore so I’m not putting up with this!” as if putting up with bullsh** would indicate my undying love OR as if NOT putting up with bulls**t would indicate the lack thereof.  NOPE, not true… AT ALL!!!  

 

Circumstance, experience & understanding determines my level of tolerance… my level of tolerance does NOT determine my love for you!  Treat me like a Queen, I will love you & it will unquestionably be reciprocated… abuse me, I will love you, BUT we will NOT be together.

 

Then the question arises… How can I say that one is not dependent on the other, would I ever truly love someone I cannot tolerate?  My answer “Family”… I have family members whose behavior &/or thought process (or lack thereof) I simply cannot/won’t tolerate BUT due to circumstance… I Love them…it’s innate! ::smiles::  

 

 

Thank you for tuning in to today’s Mental Clutter!  Until next time…